Sweet Surrender

I want to follow up my last blog with a quick blip...  mostly because I want you all to know I am still breathing, haven't devised a grand scheme to escape to a new life with an assumed identity,  and have not signed the papers on my new padded cell. Yet. ;) I also want you to know that I truly appreciate all the love and support you send my way- seriously I am one lucky girl to know so many great people.

Every night at bedtime the kids and I name one thing that we are thankful for.  Last night, Kiera, without any prompting or knowledge of the mental mess I have been said, "I am thankful that tomorrow is a new day."

BAM! She sure knows how to smack a mom upside the head! I needed to hear it.  Such a simple thing to be thankful for, but such a BIG concept for an almost five year old little girl.  A concept so big, even her grown mother couldn't grasp it until it spilled out of the mouth of a child. Kiera gets it... she understands that every day we get a new chance, a new experience, and more time to enjoy life.  Come on, Mom.. get with the program!

So, I'm going to take her cue and do my best to move past my current funk and take it one NEW DAY at a time.  I was taking too many days in at once and needed to take it out of my head and onto paper.  I was taking in the past, present, and future all at once- it can really make a mess of a person! Yes, things are a mess, they have been for almost six years... that's nothing new. Yes, I will get really mad and really frustrated with life sometimes. But, we've made it this far- through so much more than I ever could have imagined. This path hasn't been easy that's for sure and it's not going to get easier real soon, but every day we get a new chance to try again and make things better.  I've got some real BIG help now, too. I've got three little voices that are so quick to remind me of the things I've taught them, so I don't forget and lose my way. Now, even if that beautiful mountain lake is covered in fog- I have these darling little people to make even the ugliest swamp sparkle. God Bless Them!

Waving the White Flag

A while ago I wrote a blog titled ‘Beyond the rainbow’ discussing the transformation of the person I was in my teens to the person I am today and the struggle to understand how I landed where I am today.  I concluded the blog by realizing that life is a moving target and we change in accordance to what we perceive the world to be so we may make the best possible home for ourselves at that time, a place where we can be content… I got that right, because for the most part I am happy.  I love my life.  I love my children, my husband, and my family- they are my life.  But the Beatles weren’t standing in my shoes when they wrote the lyrics to “Love.” “There's nothing you can know that isn't known, Nothing you can see that isn't shown, There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be, It's easy.” 

Like the Beatles, I missed a big piece of the equation. 
I have now learned that perspective is all about your vantage point.  Despite my attempts to sort through my feelings, the piece of the equation I missed continued to exponentially add to the number of crummy days I have experienced since that post. 

Recently my vantage point has me somewhere at the bottom of the lake struggling to see the sunlight through murky water, all the while praying that I grow gills so I can merely survive drowning in the world that I have found myself in.  Despite working through some ugly feelings of a life lost in a dream months ago, even uglier feelings have moved into their place as we struggle to make every one dollar into two and ‘splurge’ on/enjoy things despite the lack of funding just so we can feel normal again.   As in all of my blogs, I want to be honest to my feelings right now- and to be honest I’m struggling to peel through some thick layers of anger and resentment. 

So,  I understand life is a moving target and we choose whether to aim for the target, hit it, settle, and coast through our existence or you can choose to stray off the trajectory to taste the sweetness or struggle that might be just beyond…  BUT what if you are shoved off the trajectory by unforeseen circumstances.. a gust of wind perhaps?  How do you cope? How do you survive? Where will you land?

It’s become painfully obvious that not only is the path you willingly or unwillingly take important, but more important is the perspective from which you see it from.  You see-  when hiking through the forest you may only look to your left, where a beautiful mountainside lake lies… but if you forget to look to the left you may only see the bramble filled swamp to your right. It’s unfortunate that the treacherous ugly swamp has been the only thing in my view, the beautiful lake view has been obscured by a thick morning fog.  There is so little space between me and the lake, but there is so much obstructing my view, so much out of my control. Like the fog hiding the sun, my mood is heavy and dark.

You see, I am a planner.  For four years I was a professional planner.  I planned every detail of the most important days of people’s lives- weddings, reunions, birthday parties…  Together Shelby and I meticulously packed and planned for our beautiful day at the mountain lake- the stage was set. We brought all the things we needed to enjoy that day.  We brought our camp, we brought our boat, we brought our spending cash so we could rent a spot for another night, we brought everything for a day at the beautiful mountain lake.  That day would be glorious. But here we are, with no lake in sight and without the means to resupply for a trip we had not planned for- all of our planning for not.

So now I sit, six tired years later trying to rob Peter to pay Paul so we can enjoy the pleasures in life we earned and so desperately deserve. In vain I balance the debt that has mounded over the past six years since the birth of our children, try to plan a vacation for ourselves, and figure out how to rebuild our children’s playground that we worked so hard for and lost last week in the storm- all with an imaginary budget that relies on more faith than funds.  I feel an overwhelming sense of resentment to the world.  For months I have quietly imploded and not until recently have projected my anger and frustrations outwardly.  I have been crabby/moody toward my husband, toward my kids, toward God, toward the world.  I’m angry and lost and I don’t know how to fix it.  And to quiet voices in my head and those who so smartly say,” life’s not fair, deal with it” - “There’s no free lunch”  -  “Why don’t you just get a job.” - “ If your so worried about how you can make ends meet and get ahead, Shelby works weeks and you can work weekends.  You won’t have to worry about daycare….  and you should be able to get ahead.” – “Sometimes you have to give up somethings to get what you really want”…

To you I scream with tears that burn with anger streaming down my face- HOW MUCH DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP IN THIS LIFE?!!   You can’t possibly understand what I’ve given up already! What do I have left to give?  WHY should I have to give up more.. can’t the ‘more’ be taken from somebody else this time? I have given up my successful well-paying career, I have given up the feeling of wealth and worth by being able to financially contribute to our household, I have given up MANY of the niceties that people take for granted, I have given up my new vehicle, I have given up the reality of ever owning a ‘decent’ vehicle again, I have given the thought of being able to finish the undone that we cannot do with our own hands in/around our home with upcycled materials, I have given up the thought of a returning to a career or to school due to the demanding medical needs and schedules of my children, I have given up my time and knowledge to always try to help others, I have given up. 

The anger and resentment seems to smack me from every angle.  It’s the parents who don’t have to balance therapy schedules against medication schedules, medical appointments and regular life activities, It’s the anger at the universe for unleashing it’s wrath on my kids world by crushing their playthings with ugly natural force while leaving every house in the county untouched, it’s kissing my husband goodbye every day for a job that pays in money and vacation days, it’s at the weird looks I get from people in public who don’t know our family,  it’s the not so silent judgement that’s passed from family that doesn’t understand why my youngest isn’t potty trained yet,  it’s at people with so much money they can buy leopard print Lamborghini’s, it’s on my facebook wall…  I can’t even tell you the level of ‘lose my shit’ I get when somebody whines about how life isn’t fair because they had to wait three extra minutes at the drive thru because their order got screwed up.  But then I realize, ‘this IS their biggest problem’ and I can’t help but feel the excruciating stab of resentment pass through me.  Oh, to not know- to not survive- to not live every day with the anxiety, fears, and anger.  I envy them, and then I resent myself… for wishing away the beautiful things and unimaginable joys in my life to trade places with a twenty-something single girl with no obligations to the world.  Oh, how ugly and unfair this world can seem.   Then they say God only gives you what you can handle- I call, bullshit.

It terrifies me to feel this way, to feel tired, to feel like I have nothing left when I have so much.  It terrifies me to constantly be riding the cusp of losing it all, every bit of what we have worked so hard to have, so hard to build, but want nothing more than to run away from it all.  I have a grave understanding of why 80% of marriages with a single special needs child fail.  It boils down to financials, you can’t make it work.  Our society sets these folks up for failure at every pass.  There is NO way that you can strive to to be in or stay in the middle class when you have a special needs child, or two. You can pray for it to work out, you can hope that the five year plan (now over six) doesn’t come back and crush your future.  You can’t plan for any of it…  It’s a disgusting truth that Shelby and I have openly joked about how we both would be better off (only financially) as divorced parents of special needs children.  The help available to single parents in our situation is unparalleled to those who choose to stick it out together.  It’s a disgrace and disservice to our entire society.  If it weren’t for our good morals, love, and unwillingness to go at this alone I don’t think we’d have a shred of regret about going Splitsville.  

The truth I’ve spilled in this blog is true and it’s sad.  There are no rainbows and butterflies here. Most of my blogs are celebratory or have some sort of revelation near the end-  this one does not.  I don’t know how to fix it... and I probably won’t be able to figure it out for quite some time.  And if it’s true that history repeats itself- This ugly feeling will be back here again someday.  I’ve written it so I can let it go for now.  With one click I can send it away, I can set it free.  I can breath and look at the world a little easier knowing you all understand me a little better. I don’t want you to feel bad for me, I’m a tough cookie and Shelby and I will work it out –we always do.  There is no plan, I don’t know if we’ll ever really have one.  We have to take these moments in stride and keep trudging forward, we’re good at it. For a fleeting moment on paper I have been able to give up so I can keep going.  It feels good.  It’s probably saved me a couple grand in therapy ;)  ..thank goodness- because I certainly don’t have the time or money for that!   

Love & Hugs Always to All of You!