Hope

It was a horrible morning. There's no sugar coating it. It's a real crap way to start the day by denying your children breakfast and morning medications (knowing full well missing breakfast and delaying medication times makes their bodies and brains feel awful), then hauling them to the clinic to help hold them down, listening to their screams, watching tears stream down their cheeks, while nose-to-nose looking them in the eye and asking them to be tough and telling them it'll be over soon....but all the while knowing this cycle has no end. We'll repeat this same moment in three months. every. three. months... and that's if nothing changes.

These days are my worst. Today I am beyond angry. I am broken and I'm trying really hard to not be bitter. We lie to ourselves to get through the worst moments of our lives and when the moments pass the truth comes crashing down.  It sucks. These are the moments bad habits and ulcers are made of. There is no amount of namaste that can make me unhear my child screaming and clearly articulating how angry he is that his "stupid body is broken" and how "dumb it is that he was born so sick"... there're aren't enough "I'm sorry's" to make it better.  There isn't anything that can be said to make this any better.

When I hear people say things like, "God gives special kids to special parents" or "God won't give you more than you can handle" or  'it'll get better' or 'they'll get better at that kind of stuff.'  I know they say these things, because it comforts them. It's how they can live with those moments. Well, the truth is- I'm not special, it's more than I can handle, it's not getting better, it's been pretty bad for a long time, and today I'm tired.

I don't find any comfort in cliche sayings from couch pillows. On these awful days, my faith and hope in God are all I have left to give to the world. With the same eyes and ears that have seen all that is awful in this world I have seen the miracle that is this life. I have seen a child whos body had been devastated by an unknown illness finally build the strength to walk. I have heard the promise of another day in the first gasp of air that gave life to a child on the brink of death... and it gives me hope. It gives me hope, because we live. If we are destined to live, there must be a greater purpose for our existence in this world and that gives me hope tomorrow will be a new day. If you have one thing left in this life, have hope.