It has occurred to me recently how easy it is to forget where we have come from on the path to where we are going and only focus on the forward path... the ultimate end goal. [especially as I am running circles on my exerciser machine every night.] Forward motion is how progress is made, sometimes. The milestones you have passed and obstacles you have overcome on your way to the present are very important. While, I am a believer in each persons ability to overcome your individual past and move forward, we cannot forget it. Whether we want to believe it or not, every experience before today we have learned from- both good and bad.
A few weeks ago we got Ashton's first official progress report from school. I was excited to hear that it would be coming home with my smiling little boy at the end of the week. It's every parents dream to open the progress report and find the favorable marks that you have been working so hard toward. I was excited for my bright boy to show his stuff.... Well, my dream wasn't realized exactly as I had planned. It was clear that school curriculum does not come easy to Ashton. We work very hard at his core abilities and concepts- writing, memorizing his upper and lower case letters, sight words, numbers to 30, rhyming, his still unsteady mobility, ect. I wanted to celebrate the big payoff... my celebration was rained out when I scanned his report. I was heartbroken, angry, and frustrated. I was sad for my incredibly bright boy that has such a hard time 'performing' when called upon for grading, I was angry that I had let myself get such high hopes, and I was frustrated with myself.
There are many things that do not come easy to Ashton, his progress report certainly reflected that. I was so discouraged by what I saw. We work so hard at home and Ashton does so much better than his progress report indicates when we work together on his skills. It's frustrating. I stewed on the letter scale, read and re-read every page of his report over and over, I broke. I just couldn't take it, my sweet boy had been judged and the score wasn't perfect. While he is oblivious to the idea of a progress report and what it means to be graded, I do and I felt like a flunky. It hurt. I felt more like his progress report was a report card reflecting my parenting skills and my abilities to teach my child and I wasn't making the grade. School and achievements have always come so naturally to me, getting low marks has never been on the radar.
For just over a week I scanned his report daily- brainstorming. How can we do better? What can we change? What can we do different? ......I couldn't think of a single 'epic' idea. We were doing what we could, we could review flash cards more often, we could work on drawing/writing more often, ...no pivitol life changing things there.
Then after an incredibly frustrating morning of creative learning opportunities with Ashton last weekend, I went to town by myself. I needed a break, I needed a few minutes to myself. On the way to town I kept thinking of what we could do different... and then in a moment of music therapy that was meant for me... it hit me, what we have been doing IS working and I'm the one who's not. My original reaction over his progress report should have been expected, because it was true- I was the one who was broken, I was the flunky.
I forgot where we have been. I didn't call on the lessons from our past to set myself right. I lost sight of the tremendous amount of PROGRESS we HAVE made in the last six years. For the last six years I have pushed him, worked with him, let him go, and watched and waited as Ashton excelled in a world that at one point we weren't certain he could make his way in. He is doing it, he's doing it at his own pace, and he's doing a fine job at it...
So, breath in and breath out. We're doing okay. We're doing things right, just wait and see. No matter how long it takes baby boy, we will get there. I will wait for you.
Love and Hugs to You All!
Sarah
