Do you remember that time when you were young (late teens) when all you could see in your future was rainbows and life was anything you made it to be...
I recently went through a string of bad days, not just bad days- pretty darn bummed out crummy days. It really hit me hard considering my usual positive disposition and sunny outlook on life. These crummy days mentally put me in a crummy place. I'll admit that for one full day I pretty much lost control and years of imploding came to a emotional explosion. I realized that the person I am today was not the person I thought I would be when I was 18. Suddenly I wondered, is who I am today the person I want to be or had this life just happened to me and now my future a set course? These were not questions that could be answered in a single day, it took me years to make the decisions that lead up this type of deep self reflection. So, with my brain completely overwhelmed for most of that day I cried. If I was able to physically expel out the frustration and overwhelming sense of loss of a life I had once planned through tears it would have happened, but it didn't... It took a few days for my brain to sort my current conundrum. Did I mess up? How in the world did I get to this place... am I happy here?
When I was 18 I had a handful of college acceptance letters and dreams of becoming a teacher or engineer. With my talents I would change the world- I was actively being sought by one college and the army for my exceptional scores on the ASVAB for my mechanical knowledge. Engineering and mechanics always intrigued me and I always thought being an engineer, building/designing and using my creativity in ways to improve peoples lives. On the other hand, I always wanted to teach. I wanted to teach children- inspire the greatness each one of them posses. I had aspirations of travelling everywhere, getting married, working nine to five, having relaxing evenings with my husband, having children, house, car, not a problem in the world... just a beautiful life.
My string of bad days and eventual meltdown had me looking at my life all wrong. It's true, today I am not the person I wanted to be at 18, I'm not the person I want to be when I'm 50. I am doing what I want right now, for the most part.
I want to be a million things, but I don't think I really want to be a teacher or an engineer anymore. They're nice careers and I'd probably be happy doing those things, but they're not careers I'm currently enthralled by. Why is this?? Here's a shocker for ya- I am not the same person I was at 18. I doubt any of you reading this are... there's a reason for that. It's not because I let my dreams go, because I chose to marry young, or because I chose to get my marketing degree instead of an engineering one. It's because we all change, we all make choices, we all do our best to get to where we want to be- I've realized that place where we want to be is a moving target.
When I was 18 I was Dorthy Gale looking in the sky gazing at a rainbow. All the dreams I had then were what I thought would get me beyond the rainbow- where skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. The problem with that was, at that time I only had a vague perception of what my dream was, what I had heard of- a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. This place is where I thought I wanted to be and I'm betting it is a nice place to be today, but it not for me. Somewhere at the beginning of my trek on the yellow brick road, I went off roading. I made a choice to drop out of the University program and enter the neighboring Technical College, I graduated with my marketing degree, I married my high school sweetheart, we built a house (not in that order), we chose to start a family, and now have three babies. I work from home, my husband works nights, my kids are not the kids I saw in my vision at 18... If this ending had been in a choose your own adventure book for my 18 year old self, I probably would have risked jumping into the abandoned well in hopes of Lassie rescuing me.
Yup, my life is WAY off course from my original plan. The flaw with my original plan is that it lacked the proper passion. It lacked the guts and gusto to get me to that place, it was not meant to be. If all Dorthy really wanted to do was go home she would have dreamt a way to click her heals three times in a more timely manner and she would have quickly been ushered home by a band of elvish people. Instead she stayed and made choices that took her on a fantastic journey through a beautiful dreamland. Not all the choices she made were good ones- some came with their share of setbacks, but some had the most wonderful outcomes. I suspect the dreamland that Dorthy fell out of the sky into was not exactly the dreamland she pictured when singing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', but it was perfect for her right then. She was instrumental in helping the Lion find his courage, the Tin Man find his heart, and the Scarecrow find his intelligence. She may not have consciously realized it when she made the decisions to continue to stay in her dreamland that it would take her longer to get home, but she pressed on and eventually found her way home. But after visiting a place like Oz, home would never be the same and she would be forever changed by her experiences.
And that's what happened folks. Experiences in life change you, they shape you, and make you into a person you're not. But that's not a bad thing. After pivotal experiences in your life, you will never be the same person you once were- it's not possible. And the chances of the new person you've become wanting the exact things the old person you once were is nearly impossible. So, where you are now is part of where you are going, but you'll never get there by being the person you are today.
Life changed me, I'm at peace with that. I'm happy here. Cheers
